Table Of Contenttitle: Shame and Guilt : The Masters of Disguise
author: Middelton-Moz, Jane.
publisher: Health Communications, Inc.
isbn10 | asin:
print isbn13: 9781558740723
ebook isbn13: 9780585107219
language: English
Adult children of dysfunctional families--
subject
Mental health, Shame, Guilt.
publication date: 1990
lcc: RC455.4.F3M53 1990eb
ddc: 616.85/822
Adult children of dysfunctional families--
subject:
Mental health, Shame, Guilt.
Page i
Finally a clear understandable description of shame and guilt.
Weaving fairy tales with everyday life examples of shame and its
debilitating effects speaks gently to the child in each of us, providing
a deeper knowledge. This book helps to name that "what-is-wrong-
with-me" part of each of us.
Psychotherapist
Jane Middelton-Moz's finely crafted allegory of Giant, Chameleon
and Perfect profoundly touches her reader's innermost beliefs and
feelings. In this insightful text Middelton-Moz sensitively takes her
readers by the hand and leads them on a journey toward self-love and
self-acceptance.
Management Consultant
This book in its entirety is a masterpiece. Jane Middelton-Moz is a
gifted clinician, story-teller and teacher.
Therapist
This helpful book offers an understandable way to learn to diminish
the emotional hurts of a shame-based childhood. Middelton-Moz
shows us the role of compassionate listening as she encourages us to
give voice to the hurt and to begin our healing.
High School Teacher
At last, an explanation of shame and guilt written in a way that I can
understand as a lay person. Now I have something to work with in my
recovery.
Stockbroker
Page iii
Shame And Guilt
The Masters Of Disguise
Jane Middelton-Moz
Health Communications, Inc.
Deerfield Beach, Florida
Page iv
Jane Middelton-Moz, MS, CCDC
Bellevue, Washington
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Middelton-Moz, Jane
Shame and guilt: the masters of disguise by Jane Middelton-Moz.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references (p. )
ISBN 1-55874-072-4
1. Adult children of dysfunctional families Mental health.
2. Shame. 3. Guilt. I. Title.
RC455.4.F3M53 1990 89-24730
616.85'822dc20 CIP
© 1990 Jane Middelton-Moz
ISBN 1-55874-072-4
All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part
of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or
transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical,
photocopying, recording or otherwise without the written permission
of the publisher.
Publisher: Health Communications, Inc.
3201 S.W. 15th Street
Deerfield Beach, Florida 33442-8124
Page v
Dedication
To: My husband, Rudolph I. Moz.
My sons, Shawn, Jason, Damien and Forrest Middelton.
My stepdaughter, Melinda Moz.
My brother, Alex E. Ward.
There is no greater wealth than the riches of the heart
offered generously through the love, support and warmth
of a caring family. If heart gifts could be measured, I would
consider myself to be one of the wealthiest individuals on
the planet Earth.
To: Mary Carter, Susan Arthur Harris, Elaine Lussier,
Kit Wilson and Anna Latimer five women who I have
known at different ages and stages of my life who have
offered continual love, care and warmth and "an honest lullaby."
Page vii
Acknowledgments
This book would not have been possible without the generosity of
time, insights, loving support and contributions of many individuals.
Their generous support and talents greatly contribute to the substance
of this book.
A very deep and special "thank you" goes out to ...
Jacquie Hope, a valued friend, who gave generously of her time,
energy and talents. Jacquie supported me in a hundred ways
throughout the writing process.
My brother, Alex Ward, for his laughter, loving support and work on
the word processor.
Jason Middelton and Cindy Wescott, two talented creative artists who
provided artwork for the book.
My husband, Rudolph Moz, for his incredible support and long hours
of clinical input and feedback.
Alex Barker, Ken Carter, Gordon Dickman, Susan Gibson Breda,
Jacquie Hope, Susan Irwin, Shawn Middelton, Damien Middelton,
Forrest Middelton, Evelyn Mineo, Trish Pearce, Glenna Pinson, and
Robin Wehl, for their extremely valuable editorial comments, insights
and feedback at different stages in the writing process.
Diane Lout, my office manager, who consistently offers support and
laughter and provides structure and order in my daily life.
Pat Huber, for her extremely competent work on the word processor.
Peter Vegso and the staff of Health Communications for providing
long hours, talent and creativity in the publishing of this book.
Page viii
Luann Jarvie, Suzanne Smith and Gary Seidler, for their warmth, loving
care and professional support.
Gershen Kaufman, Helen Block Lewis, Helen Lynd, Merle Fossum,
Marilyn Mason, John Bowlby, Polly Crisp, Harriet Lerner, Melanie
Klein, Janet Woititz, John Bradshaw, Lorie Dwinell and other talented
clinicians for their expert clinical knowledge and teachings that have
challenged my mind and heart.
Lorie Dwinell, a valued colleague and friend, for her clinical and
personal support.
Marie Stilkind, my editor, whose insight, talent, patience and additional
support was invaluable to me.
Michael Miller, a talented editor, for his insights, gift with words and
consistent help and advice.
A very deep and special thanks to my clients, consultees and the
participants in my seminars and workshops, without whose personal
knowledge and sharing this book would never have been possible.
An Explanation
The individuals mentioned in the case examples are composites of many
adult children whom I have seen in my 23 years of clinical practice ...
individuals who grew up in shaming families and communities. The
experiences of being reared in shaming environments are frequently
similar. Any similarity of examples to specific individuals is only a
result of these common characteristics.
Page ix
Contents
Introduction xi
Prologue xvii
Chapter One:
The Giant And The Chameleon 1
Chapter Two:
A Master Of Disguises 25
Chapter Three:
2-2=25: The Development Of Debilitating Guilt 53
Chapter Four:
Of Kings And Queens And Haunted Castles 67
Chapter Five:
Goldilocks And The Three Bears 89
Conclusion:
An Honest Lullaby 103
Bibliography 109
Page xi
Introduction
The impact of growing up in a shaming environment affects an
individual's life. Debilitating shame affects our ability to form loving
relationships, honor ourselves adequately and may impact our future
generations. Yet it has only been in the last ten years that the
dynamics of shame have received attention in the field of psychology.
Helen Block Lewis (1987) in her book, The Role of Shame in
Symptom Formation, refers to shame as the "sleeper." Earlier attention
was focused on guilt and frequently the two emotions were confused.
Shame was ignored entirely. It makes sense that shame would be
ignored in that it is one of the most difficult feelings to communicate.
We are ashamed of our shame.
Books on shame are now being published. This is an important step in
bringing it out of hiding. It is my feeling that debilitating shame and
guilt are at the root of all dysfunctions in families. Our understanding
of these masters of disguise will enhance our understanding of all
adult children of dysfunctional families and/or communities. It will
help explain why many adult children of depressed parents, abuse,
religious fanaticism, war, cultural oppression and parental and sibling
death (to name a few) identify so readily with the characteristics of
adult children of alcoholics. All these adult children have one thing in
common ... they grew up in shaming environments where the grief of
the past was not resolved in the past and their parents in delayed grief
could not healthily bond to children.
Description:"It is my feeling that debilitating shame and guilt are at the root of all dysfunctions in families," says Jane Middelton-Moz.A few common characteristics of adults shamed in childhood: You may suffer extreme shyness, embarrassment and feelings of being inferior to others. You don't believe you make
